Needs & Desires when finding a Domme
Finding a Domme! I’m not going to lie to you, it isn’t easy. it takes work. I’m sorry to be so blunt but its why you’re here on studyFemdom. you want to learn and you like that we are honest and open with free information on Femdom.
Before embarking on the journey to find a dominant partner, it is crucial for new submissives to undertake a period of introspection to fully understand their own needs and desires within the context of BDSM relationships. This element of self-reflection serves not only to clarify personal motivations but also assists in forming a deeper connection with a potential dominant partner. Begin by considering what draws you to the submissive role; whether it is the thrill of surrender, a desire for structured guidance, or a willingness to explore your limits, outlining these reasons helps in articulating them during future discussions with prospects.
It is also beneficial to explore the various types of dynamics that exist within the BDSM community. Each dynamic offers a unique structure and emotional depth, ranging from relationship types like Mistress/slave to that of a Dominant/submissive. Engaging with community resources such as forums, workshops, or literature can provide insight into these dynamics and assist in identifying what resonates with you personally. Engaging with literature on power exchange might also illuminate what specific practices, such as bondage or discipline, intrigue you the most.
Moreover, defining personal boundaries is essential in establishing a safe environment for exploration. Take the time to consider what activities are inherently pleasing and which are not acceptable to you. Clear communication about these boundaries with a potential dominant can help ensure that both parties are on the same page, fostering trust and safety. The willingness to express your limits demonstrates self-awareness, an attribute that lays the groundwork for healthy and fulfilling BDSM relationships.
In cultivating this self-awareness, new submissives can better navigate the often complex emotional landscapes of power exchange, leading to more meaningful interactions and ultimately finding a dominant partner who aligns with their needs and desires.
First of all, it’s important to distinguish between the various Female Dominants you’ll find on the Internet.
In descending order of what you’ll find:
- Scam Artists: the most common, these are not Dommes let alone Dominants, and most of the time aren’t even women. More often than not its team of scammers that have well practiced routines in order to either get money from you or access information that can eventually be used for revenue through things like data mining or blackmail scams.
- FinDom AKA Financial Dominants: these are women, but their focus is more on fetishism, their interest being monetary. You will pay to play. Never think otherwise.
- Pro Domme AKA Professional Dominatrix: these are real Dominants, who have made a living of it. Their interest is in finding customers for their professional account. Again, never think otherwise.
- Lifestyle Dominants AKA Domme: these are Female Dominants with a wide variety of interests on the net. In the case of female Dominants, these are Femdoms, Dommes who only have one role, that of Dominant.
You’ll notice that Dommes come bottom of the ranking, even more so if they’re “lifestyle”. As I said earlier finding a Domme is not easy without effort.
In fact, the Female Dominant/ male submissive ratio is extremely disproportionate. According to Fetlife statistics the number of male submissives is high, while that of Female Dominants (Dommes) is quite low.
There are many reasons for this which I won’t go into here but we tackle in full detail another time. Right now your here to read about finding a Domme and not to hear me whine on why Dominant Female numbers are low.
Having said that, you’ll need to keep in mind the Femdom Female Dominant/submissive ratio, which requires much more effort on your part than a “vanilla” search (vanilla is someone not into kink). I think you can see now, very clearly, what MissBonnie is always saying about how “You need to stand out for the right reasons and not the wrong ones” when trying to finding a Domme. She is also very fond of saying “You need to be proactive in the search for a partner, not reactive” In other words a Domme won’t come to you just because you are submissive. She has MILLIONS of choices of submissive men and also vanilla men that might not mind ‘some’ kink or are open to true FLR! You the submissive, need to show her why you deserve to be at her feet.
For the sake of clarity, in this article I’ll only cover the Domme that are lifestyle. Please note that if you’re looking for a professional Dominatrix, many of the points presented here may also be useful to you, in order to please her. We are going to focus on finding a Domme that is lifestyle based, not pay to play.
Also, most of the points concern submissive man/Domme woman interactions, although some parts are also useful for other relationships. Of course submissive women wanting to serve Femdoms also exist but they are rarer yet again. If this is your personal situation I’d suggest you explore primarily Lesbian based Femdom sites (reddit link) as they will MUCH better suit your needs and increase your chances dramatically of finding a Domme…but of course are more than welcome most Femdom websites.
Communities & Online Platforms
Once a submissive has clarified their desires and boundaries in a dominant/submissive relationship, the next significant step in finding a Domme is to explore a variety of communities and online platforms tailored to the BDSM lifestyle. This exploration involves engaging with local BDSM groups, participating in online forums, connecting through social media, and utilizing dating websites specifically designed for those interested in BDSM Femdom relationships.
Never overlook any website avenue for your search. Every site has it benefits regardless of numbers. In fact if a site looks like Femdom Nirvana, use some caution in your search. When things look to good to be true, they often are!
Remember the statistics we talked about earlier of various Female Dominants you’ll find on the Internet? (go back and read if you skipped to the good parts. Bad Boy!) Some sites care more about numbers that increase google searches, other than you finding a domme.
Sites even stack with fake Female profiles to attract submissive males and entice site payment. Often these sites are populated with scammers, Findoms and prodommes looking for easy targets. Reputable HONEST sites with lower Female numbers (that are genuinely hosted by lifestylers) They often weed out the non lifestyle Female accounts. They also have no interest in revenue raising by stacking profile , or membership fees access to content. I personally suggest you keep this mind. Why? Well, all my Female Domme friends are lifestylers and I know for a fact they prefer to populate small sites that remove non lifestyle women and sex industry affiliated profiles there to sell and promote product. After all, who wants to compete with non lifestlers that will do anything to get male attention for a Dollar! (yes, your welcome and so is your wallet. You can stop clutching it now you understand this tidbit of information)
Local BDSM groups often provide an excellent introduction to the community. These groups may host regular meetings, workshops, and events where individuals can meet and interact in a safe environment. Often Femdom only groups are lower in numbers. I suggest attending BOTH mixed BDSM and strictly Femdom groups to improve your chances but also remember these groups contain a wealth of knowledge, not just the ability to provide a potential Domme. Joining these groups can foster connections with potential dominants as well as with fellow submissives who can offer insights and support. Participating actively, respecting group norms, and demonstrating a genuine interest in the community can enhance your experience significantly. Remember this is a lifestyle you’ll also need FRIENDS! Kink isn’t something you can talk to just anybody about.
Online Community, forums and discussion boards dedicated to Femdom provide a wealth of information and a platform for engagement with like-minded individuals. Allowing users to post about their experiences, ask questions, and connect with potential partners. While engaging in these forums, it is essential to present oneself authentically and to contribute positively to discussions to build rapport with others. When honesty is the cornerstone of BDSM Tennants, it’s always wise to start on the right foot.
Websites such as FetLife serve as social networks specifically for the BDSM community for finding Events, conventions and workshops. I personally use Fet for this but not much as else as I find it size isn’t good for forming intimacy or getting to know individuals on a personal level. Your own opinion may differ and that is perfectly fine. That is what is delightful about websites, they can met our needs in so many different ways. I think of Fet as my old school rolodex or personal address book. All my friends contacts in one easy convenient location. It also allows for acquaintances that I don’t have to hand out my personal details or Email too, until Im 100% sure of their intentions.
Social media platforms can also serve as valuable avenues for finding a partner. Many submissives and dominants share their experiences and insights through blogs, Instagram accounts, or Twitter feeds. Following established individuals within the BDSM community can provide guidance and inspiration. However, caution is advised; it is crucial to maintain personal privacy and approach any potential relationships mindfully.
Finally, there are dating websites specifically designed for those interested in BDSM and finding a Domme. These platforms like Fetish.com often allow users to filter potential matches based on compatibility in interests, desires, and boundaries. When creating a profile, ensure that it accurately reflects your identity, what you seek, and your commitment to safety and consent, as these are foundational elements in successful BDSM relationships. These sites nearly always come with a membership fee.
A munch is a very casual, informal and very vanilla get-together at a local restaurant or bar. Everyone is expected to dress just the same as if they were going out to dinner with their family, and to behave “normally.” There is nothing to identify the group as anything other than just a group of friends having a meal together. Nothing is expected of you beyond simple good manners and an openness to getting to know other like-minded people. I can not recommend this enough as a safe public way to network and make friends! If you are nervous about going alone, email the munch organizers and introduce yourself. The organizers are people who are dedicated to helping people start their journey in BDSM and they are always happy to help.
If classes or demos are offered in your area, try to attend.
Make friends FIRST in that local group before you think of finding a domme. Particularly try to find an experienced male submissive to help you navigate. If you can’t find one in real-time, find one online. You’ll need someone to bounce thoughts and questions off of.
The local group can help protect you with dungeon monitors at play parties, giving references to dommes that approach you, and letting those that might be tempted to take advantage of you know that others are looking out for you.
finding a Domme doesn’t need to boring and hard. There are loads of avenues we mentioned above. The way to finding a Domme is to network all available options to you.
Learn the basics of safety and don’t be afraid to speak up if you are uncomfortable with something that seems to violate any of those basics. RUN from anybody who says, “I have plenty of experience, who the hell are you to tell me I shouldn’t wrap this rope around your throat and leave you bound and alone for a couple of hours?”
Remind yourself not to be so eager to play or find a domme that you accept the first one that comes along. Finding a Domme is a process. There is no need to rush when you want to spend the rest of your life doing BDSM.
Learn to say NO. It is your right and obligation to yourself — and whoever you eventually decide to give yourself to — to protect yourself from harm, mental and physical. If you cannot say no, your “yes” has no value. No respectable dominant wants a doormat. Finding a Domme that sees you as her greatest treasure is worth every ounce of effort it takes.
I personally would advise “playing the field” a bit before committing to one person. You need more experience to find out what you really want and need. You are allowed to play casually with dommes without a collar or serious commitment. Group play parties are especially good settings for this.
Understand that a new sub is particularly attractive to a certain kind of dominant who thrives on “fresh meat” or “cyber collar collectors” — they will be attracted to your lack of experience, and eager to “mentor” you or “train” you. They will try to “stake a claim” on you very fast, to prevent anyone else from getting to you first. I’m not saying these dominants are always bad or shady, just be aware that they are out there, and don’t let one of them push you into something you aren’t ready for. Finding a Domme that will wait for you to be the submissive of her dreams, is your better and safer option.
“fresh meat” or “cyber collar collectors” often want a newbie because they are inexperienced and think you won’t know the difference. Some just think you’re an easy conquest. Some of them aren’t really dominants, just domineering assholes who think being a dominant means lots of free perks like gifts and a man they can walk all over. These kind offer noting in return for “service”.
Note: a “mentor” who wants to have sex with you is not a mentor. And a submissive does not need to be “trained” because, contrary to what some people online will tell you, there is no definite manual or guidelines for how to do any of this. When you find a dominant/mistress, THEY will train you as they see fit. Don’t fall for the idea that there are these magical “trainers” running around out there who will help you find a master/mistress. They won’t. They just want to have fun with you. If you want to have fun with them, go for it! It can be fun to be “trained” – just don’t let anybody make you think you have to.
Don’t enter into a poly relationship — as a “secondary” sub — if you really don’t think you want to live that way. It doesn’t matter how wonderful someone is, or how perfect you think you are for each other. She is not going to leave her primary for you, and if she does, then you have to wonder how quickly she may drop you for the next bit of “fresh meat” to come along. Finding a Domme who values you should be your goal.
Read the discussions that are on sites like CollarNcuffs, Sites that ran by lifestylers for lifestylers that are not chasing profit but rather REAL connections with REAL people. You will learn a lot about how REAL D/s relationships work by seeing the situations and problems people ask for advice about.
How do you introduce yourself to a Domme?
Before you even think about introducing yourself to a Domme, you’ll need to introduce yourself to ALL
Be sure to complete your profile, as it’s often consulted when you ask a Domme to send you a message.
To complete a profile, think above all about what might interest a Domme, and a “lifestyle” Dominant won’t just be interested in your fantasies, but above all in your personality. Also detail your passions and what you think or would like to be able to bring to this kind of relationship. Remember even kink that is 24/7 still has normality of vanilla life! You will not naked 24/7 at her feet. Real life and real 24/7 is NOT like that.
There’s no need to mention the size of your penis, and avoid humiliating remarks, even if it’s your kink.
Talk about yourself as a person, not as a fantasist.
How Should you Approach a Domme?
As a human being, first and foremost!
Simply by talking to another human being.
We Ladies often have complete profiles on sites and we very often find that they aren’t even read.
How many times have we received “Hello Mistress, do you want a slave/make me your bitch/train me/etc…” wow I nearly dozed off.
Let’s be clear, I’m only Mistress of the person I make my own, it’s a mark of belonging to be able to call me that. You, whom I don’t know, have in no way earned that right.
And that goes for many, many Dominants. If you call yourself a submissive, let me make it clear that it’s not up to you to decide what title to give me. Hint! She named herself when she joined the site. That IS what name she wishes YOU to call her.
Personalize your Exchanges when Finding a Domme
Another recurring problem is the copy/paste of a text that might be pleasant, if it wasn’t the same one, sent to 100 different Dominas. Show her she is special and worth the effort.
And yes, it shows when you haven’t bothered to read, and take an interest in the person she presented in her profile.
Then there’s the physique. Why spend 10 lines describing how much you weigh, what you look like and, even worse, whether you have a good body or a bad one?
A D/s relationship is all about the mind, and if we really want physical details, we can ask for them. Most Dominants are not that shallow.
If you want to communicate with a Domme, especially if you’re particularly interested in her, show that you’re interested in who she is, her desires, her aspirations.
It’s a great sign of respect and interest, and will set you apart from the many messages we get all the time.
Accept the lack of Response
Remember, too, that we receive hundreds of solicitations, and that it can be tedious and tiring to respond to them all. What’s more, when the message resembles the thousands we’ve already received and doesn’t interest us. I always reply to effort!
A Dominant has no obligation towards you, even if you want to submit, even if you’re a novice, even if you’re frustrated, even if she has practices you’re interested in or has made photos you’ve enjoyed.
This does not oblige the Domme to reply.
A Lady doesn’t owe you anything just because she exists or because she likes you. If she doesn’t want to answer you, that’s her choice. If she doesn’t want to practice with you, that’s her choice too. Nor does she owe you an explanation.
And it’s a real shame to see such demands being made so often by people who also claim to be submissive. When this happens, be aware that you are only subject to yourself.
What photos to share with a Domme?
Profile photos are also important. Here are the do’s and don’ts
Do, when finding a Domme
- Sensual, polished photographs. Sensual doesn’t mean sexual. Try to show your body at its best, work on poses and lighting. Take lots of them and select the best ones
- Photographs of previous practices or situations. Keep them sensual, not crude.
- Photographs in nice clothes, with a certain class, or in fetish outfits. Something you could wear to a BDSM party.
Don’t, when finding a Domme
- Dick pic or anus photos. If you want to put off a Dommes, sure show her your butt hole!.
Remember that Domination is above all psychological, we’re not interested in penises or anuses of people we don’t know. - Humiliating photographs immediately classify you as a fantasist. Even those who enjoy humiliation tend to want to impose it themselves. Also gents, please please we are over seeing naked shots of your in your bathrooms. If you must send a naked shot, you can be naked elsewhere! Bathroom shots tend to show you are not very sex aware or carry domme shame regarding BDSM.
- Photographs that have nothing to do with BDSM, such as those of a family dinner or an evening out with friends, don’t fit the mood at all. It’s fine to send a “vanilla” image, just don’t include non consenting family or others.
- Photographs taken in a hurry, badly framed, that don’t show you off at all.
How to talk to a Femdom Female Domme
Once you’ve written your profile, and chosen some nice photos, you can start chatting with Dommes.
Remember, it’s always better to bond with the woman in front of you, the person, than to go straight to fantasy. Just as you wouldn’t approach a Woman in the street with a “shall we fuck?”, don’t approach a Dominatrix by offering to submit. The D/s relationship is first and foremost a relationship, and although it touches on many kinks* and fantasies, the relational bond is its basis.
I therefore advise you to take an active part in community discussions, to interact with submissives and Dommes without trying to submit to them or Top them.
The more people you get to know in the community, and the smoother and more enjoyable the dialogues, the more likely you are to find and interact with someone who’s right for you.
Private messages
Once you’ve chatted in a group or discussed topics with her on boards, or found a profile you’re particularly interested in on a site, it’s time to send a private message.
First of all, check that you don’t need to ask before sending the message, or that there isn’t a form to address the Lady.
As before, bear in mind that you’re addressing a person, not a fantasy.
And as I said at the outset, the Domme/submissive ratio being extremely unbalanced against you, your message will be drowned out by those of other more or less pleasant “submissives”.
So it’s important to stand out from the crowd. remember MissBonnies motto “stand out for the right reasons”
Really take the time to read the Dominant’s profile, her tastes, her desires, your shared passions, etc…
Then write a personalized message. Don’t copy and paste. Show that you’re interested in her, that you share common interests, and what you could bring her. A Dominant will especially want to know that she’s interested in you, and won’t be wasting her time for nothing.
As for what title to call her by, it’s best to ask her directly what she prefers. The most common way is to address her as “Madam”, but not everyone will like it. Asking the question will enable you to address her in the best possible way. Myself personally I recommend you revert to her profile nickname. It IS the name she chooses for herself, so it is what she wishes to be called by those she doesn’t own!
Answer or not, what not to do
- Insulting the Domme, or being unpleasant.
It can happen that you write a well-crafted message, and get no reply, or just a “not interested”. Although this can be frustrating, remain courteous, as making yourself unpleasant to a Domme risks being known to others as well, and getting you blacklisted. Dominants talk, don’t ever think they don’t. - Be insistent. If a Domme says no, or isn’t interested, or doesn’t respond at all, there’s no point in insisting. Consent works both ways, and you’ll only annoy her.
- Openly criticize the Domme in the groups or on notice boards you share to get her to react.
It’s pointless, and will give the rest of the community a bad impression of you. - Tag the Domme in shared groups or forum discussions to get her to notice you, even though she doesn’t reply to your messages. There’s no point in giving her the impression that you’re harassing her.
Connecting and Building Trust
Developing a strong connection and establishing trust are essential elements of any BDSM relationship, especially for new submissives seeking a compatible dominant. This process begins with initiating open and honest conversations with potential partners. Engaging in dialogue can facilitate a mutual understanding of one another’s desires and boundaries. By expressing your interests clearly, you create a foundation upon which trust can flourish. Remember, it is vital to be honest about your experiences, limits, and what you wish to explore within the dynamic.
Effective communication plays a pivotal role in building a trusting relationship. When discussing your interests, consider sharing your motivations for wanting to explore submission, as well as any specific activities or limits that you have. This transparency allows both parties to navigate the relationship safely and respectfully. It is equally important to encourage your potential dominant to share their expectations and experiences, creating a two-way street that fosters understanding and respect.
Moreover, taking the time to get to know one another before engaging in any BDSM activities is crucial for establishing trust. This could involve casual meetings, engaging in non-BDSM interactions, or participating in events within the BDSM community together. By spending time together and developing a rapport, you will both be more comfortable articulating your needs and desires later on.
Consent and negotiation are vital components of this trust-building process. Setting up a clear framework around consent—not just at the outset but also throughout the duration of the relationship—is imperative. This includes agreeing on safe words that can be used to pause or stop activities, ensuring that both partners feel secure at all times. By prioritizing these elements, submissives and dominants can foster a healthier, more trusting relationship that enriches their BDSM experiences.
Red Flags, Ensuring Safety
Most of what I’d advise is more about protecting yourself in your first steps than finding a domme. Protection is important because you’ll need to take care of yourself until you do find that “right” domme (consider that you are protecting that future of mistress’ property) — and to be smart in who you consider for that honor.
Most of the mistakes and heartache I’ve seen in new subs arises primarily out of being so eager to find a domme, that they jump into things too quickly.
Read, read, study, ask questions, read some more. Best and fastest first read: SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. Knowledge is your first and best defense against harm and bad decisions.
Remind yourself not to be so eager to play or find a Domme that you accept the first one that comes along.
Beware of anyone who says:
“I want to collar you now…..” “I don’t want you talking to other dominants….” “If you were a true submissive, you’d do what I want.” “You must have no limits to be my slave.” *”You don’t need a safe word with me — I don’t allow them.”
or anyone who:
Insists on a private first meeting — hotel rooms, his home, your home. Expects or insists on playing at the first meeting. Expects or insists that “play” include sex if you don’t want it to.
Remind yourself not to be so eager to play or find a Domme that you accept the first one that comes along.
Find the local group in your area. The easiest way to do this at the moment is to join www.FetLife.com and search by location for your area. That will give you a list of groups both online and in real time. If you don’t find anything in your city or town — for example, you find nothing for Niceville, HeartlandUSA — expand your search to the nearest town, such as Atlanta or Columbia or Augusta. Or search all of Georgia, or your particular county.
As you embark on your journey of finding a dominant partner, it is crucial to remain vigilant for red flags that could signal potential issues in a BDSM dynamic. Red flags may manifest in various forms, from overly controlling behavior to a lack of clear communication. A dominant should encourage open dialogue, respecting your boundaries and desires rather than pushing them aside. If a potential partner exhibits possessive traits or attempts to isolate you from your support network, these are warning signs that should not be overlooked.
Ensuring your personal safety is paramount in any relationship, particularly within the BDSM community. Always prioritize establishing a baseline of trust and mutual respect. It is advisable to meet in public spaces initially, gradually building familiarity before venturing into private settings. Additionally, maintain open communication with friends or trusted individuals about your activities. This transparency not only serves as a precautionary measure but also fosters encouragement and accountability. consider setting up a safe call
Conducting background checks should be considered if you’re uncertain about a partner’s credibility. This could encompass reviewing their online presence, seeking feedback from community members, or using available resources for checking criminal history. Such diligence may reveal information that could help you make a more informed decision about entering a dominant-submissive dynamic.
Trusting your instincts is vital throughout this process. If something feels off, it is important to listen to that inner voice, even if the person in question presents well on the surface. Engaging with the BDSM community can provide additional support, where shared experiences and advice offer valuable insights into recognizing red flags. Always practice safe play, establishing clear consent and boundaries before progressing into deeper levels of trust and vulnerability. By remaining proactive and informed, you can cultivate a safe and fulfilling BDSM experience.
tried all this and still no luck CollarNcuffs has a wonderful Free eLearning program that goes very in-depth into helping you establish yourself in the community and online
