Topping from the Bottom in Femdom

What is Topping from the Bottom?

Topping from the bottom is a nuanced concept within BDSM and femdom dynamics that pertains to the unique interplay of power and control between participants. It occurs when a submissive partner exerts influence or direction over the activities, decisions, or actions typically reserved for the dominant partner. In this context, the submissive assumes an assertive role despite maintaining their submissive identity, resulting in a fascinating but often controversial dynamic.

This behavior can manifest in various forms, such as providing explicit instructions during a scene, setting limits that dictate the extent of the dominant’s control, or even negotiating terms of play that favor the submissive’s desires. By doing so, the submissive effectively ‘tops’ while still occupying the role of a ‘bottom.’ This duality presents challenges in ensuring that the balance of power remains intact, as the foundational principle of femdom relationships typically places the dominant partner in a position of authority.

Many individuals engage in topping from the bottom for various reasons. It could stem from a fundamental desire for control, an attempt to shape their experiences more precisely, or a method of testing the boundaries of their relationship with their dominant partner. However, it’s essential to recognize that while topping from the bottom may offer certain advantages, it can also undermine the role of the dominant. If not navigated thoughtfully, it can lead to confusion, frustration, or conflict, risking the overall harmony and trust within the dynamic.

Understanding this concept is crucial for anyone participating in femdom or broader BDSM relationships. By appreciating the implications of topping from the bottom, partners can engage in more effective communication and establish clearer roles and expectations within their power exchange. This acknowledgment ultimately serves to enhance the overall experience for all parties involved, fostering a healthier, more satisfying relationship.

Examples of Topping From the Bottom

Topping from the bottom can take on a variety of appearances:

Refusing to obey orders
Ignoring commands
Questioning orders
Negotiating the scene after it’s been agreed on
Trying to barter with the top
Telling the top what to do
Intentionally making mistakes

It can manifest a number of ways. A submissive could attempt to control the play, the dynamic or the relationship from their submissive position using seduction, persuasion, provocation, excessive begging, puppy-dog-eyes, etc.

Or it can look more specifically like:

Being a brat on purpose
Offering unrequested opposing opinions
Casual/frequent non-emergency use of safe word
Attempting to direct scenes prior/during/or after play
Interrupting directions, play, or commands to offer feedback or “correct” the Top
Micromanaging the overall experience with the dominant
Expecting a dominant to cater to their fantasy
Obstinate refusal to play until the dominant guesses what they want
Fetish smuggling
Purposefully plotting their way out of tasks, punishments, tasks, and chores
Deliberate manipulation of the direction of the scene

What isn’t ‘topping from the bottom’?

A dominant shouldn’t attempt to control a submissive by specifically removing the voice of the submissive. Bottoms shouldn’t be frightened that if they say anything to their Top that they will be ‘topping from the bottom’. Things that I wouldn’t consider topping from the bottom are:

Discussing limits and setting boundaries before or after play
Prompted safety feedback during play (harder, slower, softer, etc.)
Using a safeword when you feel genuinely in danger physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually
Scene co-creation of negoitated format of play or dynamic
Open dialogue of redefining the parameters of a relationship or dynamic at will
Requesting space with/without dominant to think or process the dynamic or scene

Expressing needs and boundaries is not a way to control something — it’s a way to get your needs met as a submissive. There are ways you can talk that are more D/s in nature, like, “I think I could take more” vs. “don’t hit me at that pace it’s too slow”. Dominants are not mind-readers and s-types aren’t doormats to be treated non-consensually less than.

Why is Topping from the Bottom Considered Bad?

Topping from the bottom (TFTB) refers to a situation in BDSM relationships where the submissive partner attempts to exert control over the dominant partner’s actions or decisions. This behavior is often viewed negatively because it disrupts the established power dynamics that are foundational to these relationships. In a healthy dynamic, the dominant partner is expected to guide and lead, while the submissive partner willingly cedes control. When the roles are reversed, it creates confusion, undermining trust and complicating interactions.

One of the most significant implications of topping from the bottom is the potential for resentment. The dominant partner may feel manipulated or unappreciated, which can lead to frustration and feelings of inadequacy. Conversely, the submissive partner might face their own set of difficulties, as the act of trying to control the dominant can stem from insecurity or a need for validation. These underlying issues may not be addressed, resulting in unresolved emotions that can harm the relationship in the long term.

Moreover, miscommunication often arises when topping from the bottom occurs. If a submissive partner is attempting to steer the dominant’s actions, it can create a misunderstanding of boundaries and preferences. The dominant may misinterpret these signals, fostering a cycle of confusion and conflict. Such miscommunication not only affects immediate interactions but can also complicate future scenes and agreements. The integrity of consent is compromised when the expected roles are not maintained, leading to potential emotional and psychological fallout for both parties.

Ultimately, topping from the bottom can significantly alter the dynamics of a BDSM relationship, eroding trust and causing harm. Maintaining clear, respectful boundaries is vital for healthy interactions, ensuring that both partners’ needs are met in a coherent and sustainable manner.

My Personal Take: How does ‘topping from the bottom’ make a dominant feel?
Pretty shitty honestly. It makes you not want to do Femdom.
Planning and executing BDSM scenes or the dynamic itself is mentally and physically draining for a dominant, and it can feel like the submissive doesn’t appreciate that hard work and effort if they interrupt or manipulate the scene or the relationship. At its core though, topping from the bottom receives a spotlight because it means that the submissive has failed to carry out their role/unspoken promises in the scene or dynamic.
Let’s set the scene a bit to dive a little deeper into some of the examples. A Domme and a sub are doing a scene where the submissive has to maintain a pose for five minutes. If the sub fails they get punished. Let’s say the sub intentionally fails the scene, you might think no harm, no foul because the sub still gets punished right? Wrong. In this instance the submissive enjoys pain and punishment, so all they have really done is forced the Dominant’s hand into giving them what they ultimately wanted without trying to execute the original desires of the Dominant. Again breaking the power dynamic that was established, it comes across as selfish, as the sub is simply only caring about their own needs and wants and once again neglecting the Dominants.
Another scenario would be one of manipulation. With this one, we shall do a text exchange to better see the words used and further understand how it can easily topping from the bottom can go under the radar.
Dominant: Do you have any plans for the day?
Sub: Yes, I have a few bits on today. I am meeting a friend for a walk, and later on, I am heading out to the shops to grab some food. Should I be wearing something for my journey? What do you have in mind?
With this one, it can seem like the sub is offering their service and might even seem nice and sweet. However, this is a good example of Domme manipulation. If the submissive had already wanted to wear some panties or a plug of sorts then what they have done is try to put an idea into the Dommes head to give them an order which the sub will follow achieving what the sub wanted all along, while also gaining potential praise for fulfilling an order from their Dominant. It’s sneaky, manipulative and disrespectful. With these examples, they break the exchange of power and make the entire dynamic pointless as the submissive is trying to take control, they have topped from the bottom. At that point, the sub may as well go off on their own and do what they wish, as they seem to have no regard for the Dominant, the dynamic or any desire for power exchange.

TFTB in a Femdom Relationship

Topping from the bottom is a concept that uniquely resonates within the dynamics of femdom relationships. In these arrangements, the submissive partner often seeks to exert control, sometimes leading to issues that can significantly affect the overall relationship. This behavioral phenomenon can manifest as the submissive attempting to guide or direct the dominant’s actions, offering advice or setting boundaries that can inadvertently challenge the established power dynamic.

The essence of a femdom relationship lies in the balance of power, with the dominant partner typically maintaining control over the submissive. When the submissive engages in topping from the bottom, it can create a sense of confusion and strain for the dominant partner, who may feel undermined or uncertain of their position. The intricacies of this challenge highlight the necessity of clear communication and well-defined boundaries within the relationship. Dominants need to address any attempts at control from their submissive partners promptly to maintain the integrity of the power exchange.

Effective communication is paramount in these scenarios. Both partners must feel safe and open to articulating their needs, desires, and concerns. Dominants should feel empowered to set boundaries that encourage healthy exploration while ensuring that the submissive understands their role within the femdom framework. When boundaries are clearly established and communicated, it can help mitigate the challenges posed by topping from the bottom, allowing the relationship to flourish without the strain of ambiguity or conflict.

The mutual understanding of roles and the commitment to respect each other’s limits play crucial roles in navigating this complex dynamic. Ultimately, open dialogues about control and desires can enhance satisfaction within the femdom relationship, facilitating personal growth while fostering a deeper connection between partners.

Examples of Topping from the Bottom in Real-Life BDSM

Topping from the bottom is a nuanced practice within BDSM that can manifest in various scenarios, showcasing the complexity of power dynamics between partners. One illustrative example involves a submissive who verbally articulates their desires and boundaries during a scene. In this case, the submissive can assert control by providing specific instructions to the dominant partner about the pace and intensity of the experience. This can include saying, “Please use more pressure” when receiving a flogging, thereby guiding the scene while still being in a submissive role.

Another common scenario can be observed in the use of safewords. A submissive may employ a safeword not only as a mechanism to pause the scene but also to express a need for a shift in dynamics. For instance, a submissive might say the safeword because they seek a different tool or activity that aligns more closely with their current mood. This demand implicitly allows them to take a leadership role in directing the flow of the encounter while still enjoying their submissive identity.

Topping from the bottom is the submissive micromanaging the Dominant during a scene. In the end, neither party will get much from the experience. The Dominant won’t get the sense of satisfaction of being in control and doing a good job, and the submissive will come away wondering why they never felt relaxed or got into the submissive mindset. For Example:

The Rope Bunny telling the Rigger to use a specific knot during rope bondage.
The bottom asking the top to have sex with them in a specific position.
The submissive asking to be spanked by the Dominant with a particular implement during impact play.
The submissive disagreeing with the Dominant’s choice of restaurant to eat out at.
The submissive giving the Dominant exact instructions on how to peg them throughout the process.

Real-life anecdotes frequently highlight the interplay between topping from the bottom and communication. In one recorded experience within a BDSM community, a submissive couple engaged in a role-playing scenario where the submissive constructed the script for the scene, detailing their desires and the specific actions they yearned to experience. This arrangement illustrates how the submissive used their preferences to influence the narrative of the interaction, demonstrating that topping from the bottom is an organic part of mutual exploration. Through such examples, it becomes clear that topping from the bottom is not only feasible but can enhance intimacy and trust in femdom relationships, allowing for a more fulfilling and collaborative experience for both partners.

The Psychological Causes Behind Topping from the Bottom

Topping from the bottom is a complex dynamic often observed in Femdom relationships, where the submissive partner exerts influence and control over the dominant partner, despite ostensibly occupying a submissive role. Understanding the psychological causes behind this behavior is crucial for gaining insight into the motivations that drive individuals to engage in this dynamic. Various factors may contribute, including insecurity, a desire for control, and unresolved past traumas.

Insecurity can manifest in many forms, particularly in how individuals perceive their worth within the relationship. A submissive partner may feel uncertain about their value or effectiveness in the relationship and thus compensates by attempting to direct the actions and desires of their dominant partner. This shift allows them to regain a semblance of power, albeit in a way that may be counterintuitive to traditional roles within BDSM dynamics.

Moreover, the desire for control plays a significant role in topping from the bottom. This behavior can stem from an individual’s inherent need to assert influence even when occupying a submissive position. In many cases, the act of guiding the relationship may provide comfort and satisfaction to those who have difficulty relinquishing control in other aspects of their lives. This duality of submissiveness and the need for agency can create a dynamic that fosters tension and connection in the relationship.

Lastly, past traumas can shape one’s approach to relationships profoundly. Individuals who have experienced various forms of emotional or psychological distress may find solace in creating a structured environment within the context of a Femdom dynamic. By navigating these hidden scars, both partners can foster healthier communication and explore the nuances of their relationship. Understanding the psychological origins of topping from the bottom can significantly enhance empathy and connection between partners, ultimately enriching their dynamic.

Effective Strategies for Managing Topping from the Bottom

In any femdom relationship, it is essential to navigate the dynamics of power exchange effectively. Topping from the bottom can create confusion and disrupt the established roles between partners. To restore balance, both parties must engage in open and honest communication. This begins with a dedicated conversation where each partner can express their needs, desires, and any discomfort they may be feeling regarding their current dynamic.

Establishing clear roles within the relationship is crucial. Each partner should have a mutual understanding of the expectations and responsibilities that come with their roles. This can involve defining the dominant and submissive roles more clearly or renegotiating them to fit the evolving nature of the relationship. Written agreements can serve as a helpful reference point to ensure both partners are on the same page concerning power dynamics, safe words, and limits.

Setting firm boundaries is another vital aspect of managing topping from the bottom. Both partners should collaboratively discuss what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable, ensuring that both sides feel respected and valued. It is important to revisit these boundaries periodically, as relationships can change over time. Regular check-ins can help partners assess any frustrations and readjust their boundaries as needed.

Furthermore, fostering trust and intimacy is essential for overcome the complications associated with topping from the bottom. Engaging in non-sexual bonding activities, such as sharing interests and hobbies, can help strengthen emotional connections. Acknowledging each other’s vulnerabilities and providing reassurance can create a more secure environment for both partners to express themselves freely. This trust lays the foundation for a healthier interaction, reducing the likelihood of misunderstandings and unintentional power struggles.

Dominants Dealing With Subs That Top

If you have an established and recognized Power Dynamic within your Dom/sub relationship (that does not accept topping from the bottom) and you as the Dominant are finding that your sub is topping from the bottom, there are a few things you can do to correct their behavior:

If they are bound, step away from your sub and give them a few minutes of zero play and complete silence (if safe to do so. Bear in mind you should NEVER leave a bound sub unattended). Before you start up again, ask your sub if they know why you decided to punish them like this?
If they are not bound, then take them by the collar and leash and lead them to a corner of the room. Instruct them to go into instructional pose or forced pose and while they are there, they are to think about who is in charge of the scene and why they are being punished. After five minutes in forced pose, your sub should be very sorry and begging for forgiveness.
If your sub is demanding a certain task or instrument, do the exact opposite. If your sub has been demanding wax play your whole scene and not concentrating on what you are doing or your instructions. Stop what you are doing, go to the freezer and grab some ice cubes for ice play. Again, have your sub explain why you have decided to do this?
Give your sub what they want, but only for a brief moment before you switch to the one thing they don’t like. Continuously switch back and forth between the two. They loving flogging, but hate the cane. Not a problem here is one swipe with the flogger, followed by 20 hits with the cane. Make sure you have the sub explain to you why you are doing this to them. If they really don’t get inform them!
If none of the above techniques work, then end the scene. Explain to them what the punishment is for and why you as the Domme decided to punish them this way. Also make sure to inform them that future scenes will be cut short, if the sub refuses to respect the power dynamic, that the both of you originally agreed upon.

Building Healthy Power Dynamics

In any BDSM relationship, particularly those characterized by the practice of topping from the bottom, establishing healthy power dynamics is essential. A well-functioning submissive-dominant relationship is predicated on various critical components, including respect, consent, and mutual understanding. These characteristics not only contribute to the overall satisfaction of both partners but also foster a safe and supportive environment for exploring their desires.

Respect is the foundation of any relationship, and in the context of BDSM, it plays a pivotal role in shaping power dynamics. Both the dominant and submissive partners should recognize each other’s boundaries, needs, and limits. This reciprocal acknowledgement enhances trust and ensures that both individuals feel valued. Consent, another fundamental pillar, must be explicitly communicated and reaffirmed throughout the relationship. Engaging in clear discussions regarding desires and limits allows partners to navigate their shared journey effectively, ensuring a consensual and enjoyable experience for both parties.

Mutual understanding is equally crucial in sustaining healthy dynamics. Partners should strive to maintain open lines of communication, addressing their feelings and discussing experiences to foster a deeper comprehension of each other’s perspectives. This collaborative dialogue allows the relationship to evolve naturally, facilitating a stronger connection between the dominant and submissive partners.

To support the longevity of these dynamics, consider implementing regular check-ins to discuss what is working well and what may need adjustment. Additionally, exploring educational resources, workshops, or communities focused on BDSM can provide valuable insight and enrich the relationship’s depth. In nurturing a balanced power exchange, individuals can experience the full spectrum of fulfillment that a healthy BDSM relationship offers.

Negotiate pre-play to build trust

As discussed, you might feel the need to top as the bottom when you don’t trust the top completely.

To avoid this happening, make sure that you have discussed what is going to happen during play with the top, and that the top understands what your hard limits, soft limits, and boundaries are.

You should also alert the top to any medical conditions you have.

You might also want to discuss what you are worried or nervous about.

By getting all of this out in the open before play, you can judge the reaction of the top. If they don’t seem to care, then don’t go any further. If on the other hand they listen, reassure, and agree with what you are saying then you can be more reassured they care about your wellbeing.

Knowing the person you are playing with has your safety in mind will help you relax into the scene, and you’ll be less likely to want to start topping them.

Things to discuss in the pre-scene negotiations include:

What activities do you want to try?
What activities do you NOT want to try?
Are there any medical issues we need to be aware of?
Fears, phobias, limits and triggers.
What particular fantasies each party has.
The rules and limits of what is acceptable during play.

Don’t ignore instructions from the top

Ignoring commands, instructions, or requests from the top/Dominant counts as topping from the bottom.

If you enjoy brat play, it’s important that you’ve discussed this and the limits of it with the Domme prior to play. There’s a fine line between being bratty and topping from the bottom.

This doesn’t mean you have to do everything the top says. If you’re not 100% comfortable with an instruction, or you believe it breaks the agreement you made during pre-scene negotiations, then use a safeword. Remember: giving feedback and using safe words shouldn’t be classed as topping from the bottom.

Start slowly and build up

It’s normal for some submissives to have difficulty entering the submissive state of mind, especially if they have a dominant personality in normal life.

Start scenes slowly with an activity that involves a light exchange of power, like subtle spanking, light bondage, dirty talk, or hair pulling. Jumping straight into heavy pain-play or aggressive dominance can cause the sub to panic.

I’m not saying never do this (for example, consensual non-consent is often full-on from the start), I’m just saying avoid jumping in the deep end if you are now or have a tendency to top from the bottom.

Every time a new type of play is brought into the scene, it’s important to start small and then build up. This will increase the trust between you and your partner and help you overcome your natural resistance to submission. The more you practise, the easier it will become to relinquish control.

Communicate after play

Debriefing after play is vital as it allows both partners to communicate how they felt during the session, and what they liked/didn’t like during the scene. Never forget aftercare!

Some questions you may wish to ask include:

What did you enjoy the most?
What should we change next time?
Have your desires and wants changed, or do they differ now you’ve experienced the thing?

If topping from the bottom did occur, the Dominant may want to ask the submissive about it.

Why do you feel the need to give directions when X, Y, Z is occurring?
Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable letting go during this play?

As a Dominant, don’t become angry if your partner is topping from the bottom. Learn to communicate with them and help them overcome this challenge.

Regular debriefs allow you to work on your BDSM play together as a team, and will make you both feel more comfortable and trusting during play.

The Role of Consent in Femdom Dynamics

Consent is a foundational element in BDSM relationships, particularly in the context of femdom dynamics. Within these relationships, where power exchange takes center stage, the concept of consent takes on heightened significance. Consent serves not only as a legal agreement but also as the ethical backbone that reinforces trust between partners. In scenarios involving femdom practices, both parties must understand that their participation, desires, and boundaries are crucial to fostering a nurturing environment.

In the context of “topping from the bottom,” where the submissive partner, traditionally positioned to yield power, attempts to influence the dynamics of the relationship from their perceived inferior position, informed consent becomes even more critical. An imbalance of consent can lead to misunderstandings and discomfort in the relationship, undermining the essential trust that is necessary for positive and fulfilling experiences. For both the dominant and submissive partners, clear and ongoing communication is instrumental in ensuring that all individuals feel safe and respected in their roles.

Additionally, informed consent in BDSM relationships goes beyond initial agreement. It involves continuously revisiting the parameters of consent as dynamics evolve or situations change. Partners should engage in discussions regarding their limits, desires, and any changes in comfort levels, thus reinforcing mutual understanding. This process not only helps to clarify expectations but also mitigates the risk of unintentional emotional or physical harm. Furthermore, practicing informed consent equips individuals in femdom dynamics with tools to address potential issues, making communication more effective and comprehensive.

Engaging openly about preferences and boundaries allows both parties to negotiate their relationship’s terms actively. Ultimately, fostering a strong consent culture minimizes the risks associated with topping from the bottom and enhances the overall experience of both partners in the fulfilling world of femdom interactions.

Conclusion: Navigating the Challenges of Topping from the Bottom

In exploring the complexities of topping from the bottom within femdom relationships, it is essential to recognize the balance of power dynamics that exist between partners. This practice often involves a submissive partner exerting influence over the dominant partner, thereby creating a unique relational framework that necessitates a foundation of open communication and mutual respect. Each partner’s needs and desires should be acknowledged and discussed to ensure a fulfilling experience for both parties.

Throughout this discussion, we have emphasized the critical nature of establishing clear boundaries and consent within the scope of BDSM interactions. Topping from the bottom can lead to rewarding experiences when partners maintain honest dialogues regarding their preferences and limits. Such transparency is vital, as it encourages growth and fosters trust, which are crucial components for a healthy femdom dynamic.

Moreover, engaging in self-reflection and actively learning about one’s own desires can enhance the topping from the bottom experience. Partners should consider exploring educational resources or attending workshops to deepen their understanding of BDSM practices. This commitment to continuous learning can create richer and more nuanced interactions within femdom relationships.

As we conclude, we encourage readers to reflect upon their own relationship dynamics and consider how they navigate the complexities associated with topping from the bottom. By prioritizing effective communication, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to personal growth, partners can successfully traverse the challenges inherent in this practice. Ultimately, the journey of self-discovery within femdom relationships can lead to profound connections and an enriched sexual experience for both partners involved.